| Women only want men with (good looks or money or [fill in the blank]) |
| This is an error because it simplifies the attraction process into one factor, as well as paints all women as shallow and ignores the diversity among women. It disregards all the other factors that women take into account or ignores the possibility that although the man has the stated quality, the woman was not attracted on the basis of that quality. Attraction is not one-dimensional and it is an error to make it so. |
| The Friend Zone and Nice Guys |
Some guys will simplify the attraction process in this way: "She didn't want me and I am a nice guy, therefore she must not want nice guys," thereby excluding all the other qualities that may have factored into her decision. It seems like they get told they are a nice guy when being rejected as a way to let them down easy, but they take it as the cause of their rejection instead of as a concession. They do not seem to understand how a quality, such as being nice, can be necessary, but not sufficient. In other words, while being “nice” is probably a requisite for many women, it is not all that they want.
Also, some guys seem to think that women who show interest in their personality and want to be friends will never want to be in a relationship with them, and they must avoid this situation because it means they will be hopelessly stuck in the "friend zone." They feel they must try to move immediately into sex or else they will never get into a successful relationship with the woman. Many women, in fact, do develop feelings for their friends, and many relationships have developed out of friendships. Also it's possible that the woman in question has feelings for them too, but is too scared to act on them.
One problem many self-declared “nice guys” seem to have is that they put the woman they like on a pedestal. They revere here and constantly try to please her. As a result, they get very intimidated by the women and act very passive around her. This rarely, if ever, gets results. |
| Women only want jerks |
This excuse employ a similar logical fallacy to #2: “I am a nice guy, and the woman did not want me. Therefore she must want a jerk (or the guy she dates after me is a jerk).” In addition to the falseness of the statement, it vilifies the men who do get dates (Being assertive and confident does not mean they are not nice) and indicates that women are not capable of making sound judgments about who they want to involve themselves with.
Some men claim that when they started acting like jerks they had more success, but more likely it was a coincidence. Trying to act like a jerk caused them to stop acting needy and passive, two qualities that are not often considered attractive.
Some men only seem attracted to girls who may not be the best choice for a relationship, or as one member described the situation:
"Oh by the way you guys, I turned down some fat loser chick today because she wasn't good enough for me. There's this bitchy, narcissistic girl that I really like that is treating me really badly, but I think she's really cute so I'm going to keep trying to talk to her until she says yes. Hopefully she'll see me for the great person that I am inside."
*some time later when the relationship has failed and the man feels used*
"Oh, what's the use? Women are such a waste of time, and they all hate me anyway. Every single one of them. And (insert another myth above) and (another) and (another) and...oh when am I ever going to get laid (in a deep meaningful relationship that isn't shallow and short-lived)?"
Do we need to even explain what's wrong with this picture at this point? |
| Any standard is a high standard, i.e. Women are too picky |
| "Women are too picky" statements, as well as the preceding statement “women only want jerks,” give off an air of entitlement. The men are implying that women's choices are wrong only because they themselves were not picked. Women are not too picky just because they did not pick you. Having some standards or picking someone else on her own basis of attraction does not make a woman picky. Men are not entitled to a woman, but the statement implies that women should be picking the men who they are not attracted to just to make those men happy. |
| Sluts sleep with everyone so something must really be wrong with me if they won't have sex with me. |
| In the past the "even the town slut won't have sex with me" complaint has arisen. The idea implies that if a woman chooses to sleep with what appears to be a lot of men, she will have no standards and will sleep with any man. She is treated like a sex object that any man can use to build up his confidence, and when she does not want to it is unfair to him. Just because a women sleeps with what some consider a lot of men does not mean she owes sex to all men. Also, her refusing to sleep with you does not mean you are defective; it means she is not a sex toy to be lent out to just anybody. |
| It is impossible for a man who resents women to want to be with women |
| Wanting to have sex with a woman is not the same as respecting women. Desiring women does not mean you think of them as people. In fact there have been many instances of men resorting to misogyny, dehumanization, vilification, and resentment of women to compensate for their feelings of rejection, despite the fact that they still want to have women as partners. |
| It is okay/natural/acceptable for incel men to hate/resent/blame women |
"As long as I qualify my hateful statement so it only applies to most women or women who are not on the board or say it is a joke, then it is okay." This is used as an excuse to say very negative things about women and allows the speaker to criticize the women for getting upset. It is not acceptable to say hateful things just because you try to limit it to a segment of the population or because you claim it is a joke.
"It is okay/natural/acceptable for incel men to hate/resent/blame women." While this may be a common reaction, that does not make it a correct or acceptable reaction. It just a scapegoat and indicates that the person’s thinking is flawed. Women as a whole did not force you to be incel, and women do not owe you anything. Women are not a monolithic group. Each individual woman tries to make a decision that is best for her just like each man tries to make a decision that is best for him. This excuse relieves the men of feeling responsible, but usually there are other factors at play which the men can improve or control. Self-defeatist thoughts, low confidence, fear of rejection, social isolation, etc., contribute to incelibacy by causing the person to not approach a woman or by limiting opportunities to meet women. Interestingly enough, if you ask many of these men just how they tried to get the woman, you will often find that they never made their interest known to the woman, and yet despite their lack of action they still resent the fact that she is not dating them. |
| Some groups of women are not dateable |
Many categories of women have been declared undateable by some men. Single mothers, old women (which to some seems to mean women in their thirties), sexually experienced women, fat women, independent women, and “ugly” women have been declared off-limits at some time. Some of these groups have been treated like damaged goods and/or accused of feigning interest only to use the men for money and support. Single mothers, in particular, are treated like this. They are also referred to as though they are no more than sexual objects, with men commenting that they will be too tired to have sex as though that is all women are good for and that they have been used by another man so they don’t want them.
Some men seem insecure about the possibility of dating self-reliant women because they feel they won’t be needed. They seem to forget that relationships involve companionship and physical intimacy, something no person can give her- or himself.
Some men say things like, "If an ugly/fat woman can get a date, I should too," as if such women are completely undateable. People can be attracted to "ugly/fat women." They may not be ugly or fat to other people, and looks are not everything. They are not less deserving of dates, and their ability to get dates bears no relation to your ability to get dates. |
| Women cannot be incel or they have it easier |
First of all, women can also be involuntarily celibate as evidenced from the female members of the board. The number of women on the board is disproportionately less than men, but we do not know how much of that is due to the differences in social acceptability of the problem for both sexes, desire to seek help online, and other factors.
Furthermore, women are not incel because there is something wrong with them. They are not too picky. Many women on the board have never been approached by men or had interest expressed in them. Neither are incel women unattractive as pictures have proven. Nor are incel women frigid and unapproachable. Some incel women may suffer from shyness and social anxiety just like some of the men, but they are also warm, friendly, and have wonderful personalities.
Some think that incel women don’t really have a problem or feel the pain as much because they have a strong social network for support. That is a stereotype. Not all women have a lot of friends or a strong social network. The ones who do may not even feel able to talk about the problem with their friends. And while friendships can help alleviate the pain, they are not a replacement for romantic and sexual relationships. |
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